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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27025096">Crossfire</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/na_shao/pseuds/na_shao'>na_shao</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Thor (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Codependency, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Gang Rape, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Mafia AU, Mob Boss Thor, Rape, Rape Recovery, Sibling Incest, Torture</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:47:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,215</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27025096</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/na_shao/pseuds/na_shao</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Odinson family had it all: money, control, respect. Lead by brothers Thor and Loki whose main business revolved around art forgeries, the organisation was thriving—probably too much in the eyes of some of their rivals.</p><p>Targeting Thor was easy. </p><p>What the gangs wanted was the Odinson family to crumble from the very core, and that meant attacking the very person Thor loved the most: his brother.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Loki/Thor (Marvel)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>134</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Thorki Baby Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue — breaking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for the Thorki Baby Bang 2020!</p><p>Biggest thanks to my love for giving me ideas, betaing and helping me edit this piece of work ♥ and thank you to the GC who cheered me on so many times!</p><p>To my fellow mods, thank you so much for all your hard work!!</p><p>To my incredible artist <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lissabeth/pseuds/Lissabeth">Lissabeth</a>, thank you for your INCREDIBLE art! You were a joy to work with and I'm so delighted you chose my fic! You can find their art in the third chapter of this fic &gt;:)</p><p> </p><p>  <b>Please read the warnings/tags before reading this fic.</b></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>“Are you still hoping your brother will come?” </p><p>Loki didn’t even acknowledge his captor and stayed silent.</p><p>Red Skull laughed and spit on the floor, right next to Loki’s head.</p><p>“It’s been days, Loki. Maybe he gave up on you.”</p><p>Thor would never do that. Thor <em> loved </em> him. They loved each other, as twisted as it was—Loki had no doubt about that. </p><p><em>Don’t be late for dinner, baby,</em> Thor’s last text had said, and Loki had sighed, letting out a small, knowing laugh when he got in the car. He had been looking forward to having a romantic date with his brother after all the work they had had for weeks, already imagining the meal they would share at Loki’s favourite restaurant—lobster, <em>pasta alle vongole, </em>a Château du Pape Clément bottle from 2009, a red bottle of Château Latour from 1990, all the while talking about their latest forgery, a splendid copy of Sargent’s <em>Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose</em>...</p><p>Things went downhill from there.</p><p>“Or maybe… <em> maybe </em> he has a good reason for not coming.”</p><p>Loki’s stomach rolled. The hint of information behind that sentence brought a chill to the very marrow of his bones, and he swallowed, eyes peering up at his captor; dark-ringed, icy, his high cheekbones red with the touch of cold and sharp with the tracks of tears.</p><p>He heard something ruffle before the man came closer and threw it on the ground.</p><p>Loki shuffled a little on his side to look at what he was offered—</p><p>A picture.</p><p>Crumpled.</p><p>Loki gasped in a devastated breath as he looked up at it.</p><p>He didn’t need to see his face to know that he was looking at Thor; he knew the shape of his brother’s body like the back of his hand, after all.</p><p>Something snapped inside Loki, and his fingertips dug crescent-shaped marks into the palm of his hands, blood slowing in his veins and white noise spilling in his head.</p><p>A cry tore from his throat, desperate and angry.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part I — shattering</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The day Loki’s world turned upside down, it was raining.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Guess who's back, BACK AGAIN :-)</p><p>(It's-a me)</p><p> </p><p>  <b>Heavy chapter ahead! Graphic depictions of violence and rape are in this. Be careful!</b></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“The bullet’s been extracted, Mr. Odinson,” the nurse said gently as she helped Loki to Thor’s private room. “The stitches the surgeon made are neat but the wound will scar—”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Loki murmured, waving his head and grinning. “He’ll get over it. Thank you, Angela.”</p><p>She smiled back at him and left without a word, leaving Loki alone in front of the room.</p><p>He wasn’t exactly smiling, a few hours ago, when he got the news that Thor had been shot by a jealous gang lead by a small, meek man named Rumlow. The fact that this absolute cretin of a man managed to hurt Thor was beyond Loki, but what could he say? Even the best made mistakes.</p><p>Loki sighed and pushed the door open, not even bothering to close it behind him—the private hospital was basically theirs after they had invested heavily in it ten years ago. Most of their team was treated here when needed, and nobody said a word about the activities led by the Odinsons.</p><p>Thor pursed his lips when he caught sight of Loki, looking out of it. The anesthetic was apparently wearing off very slowly and leaving Thor in a state of half-consciousness.</p><p>“Hey, Lo.”</p><p>“Hey yourself, dumbass,” Loki answered, half-joke, half-annoyance. He moved closer to the bed and held Thor’s hand tightly in his, tracing the slight bump of Thor’s fresh bandage. “You suck.”</p><p>Thor chuckled. “You’re pissed. I get it. Still. You should be nicer to your big brother.”</p><p>“What the fuck went through your mind?” Loki’s voice cut through the air, raspy and hollow. “Going out there with only a gun and Heimdall? Are you fucking suicidal or did you get brain worms from the aged cheese yesterday?”</p><p>Loki choked on nothing when he noticed how pale Thor was looking.<br/>
<br/>
“Could have been worse,” Thor said and rolled his eyes. “And it was Rumlow. <em> Rumlow</em>, Loki. He can’t even shit his way through the art market.”</p><p>Worse was a big word—Loki knew how awful being shot anywhere could be. It was more than nothing: it was a hot pain, intense and unforgiving. Even though Thor had sustained worse injuries, Loki knew it probably had hurt like a bitch.</p><p>It sparked more anger in his belly.</p><p>“Worse? Thor, Jesus Christ, if Rumlow had been a better shooter, you might have bled out on the floor! You’re lucky the bullet passed through your shoulder without hitting anything important and left as it came!”</p><p>Thor smiled goofily before reaching for the flask on the side table. He took a hearty drink under Loki’s scrutinising gaze.</p><p>“What,” he mumbled, eyebrows drawn together. “It numbs the pain.”</p><p>“Apparently, it numbs your brain too,” Loki shot back, definitely annoyed with his brother, this time.</p><p>Thor made a small noise and inhaled, drawing a couple of breaths in while screwing the cap back on his flask. “Lo, come on.”</p><p>“Don’t become Dad.”</p><p>Silence hung in the air, heavy. Bringing Odin in the conversation was either a mood killer or a joke, and Loki only resorted to using it when Thor was acting out.</p><p>“I could never be Dad,” Thor said without looking at Loki.</p><p>“You know what I mean, Thor. Take this seriously, even if it’s just Rumlow. That bitch is after something bigger, I can feel it.”</p><p>“He’s too dumb for that, trust me,” Thor said flatly, voice rough around the edges. “And so was his father before him.”</p><p>Loki hummed and looked outside, the tame rays of pastel pink-red painted in broad strokes in the sky. It was almost too pretty to look at.</p><p>It caught him in quiet moments like those, the idea that this—the relationship they had with Thor—might not last, that it might crumble down eventually if one of them were to disappear.</p><p>“Lo?”</p><p>Loki startled and turned his head back to Thor, unfocused.</p><p>“Yeah?” he answered softly as his gaze landed on Thor’s eyes. </p><p>“You were zoning out,” Thor said, just above a whisper, and he smiled sideways at him. There was a gentle, tender look on Thor’s face and perhaps Loki was falling even deeper, head first.</p><p>
  <em> Fuck. </em>
</p><p>He didn’t care about the free fall, especially when Thor was looking at him like that—so full of love and adoration. A pleasant heat settled low in his spine, and Loki couldn’t help but smile back.</p><p>Always. Thor always managed to get him back in his net, and Loki <em> always </em> let him.</p><p>Streaks of blue light ate at his eyes as he swallowed hard over the lump forming in his throat.</p><p>“You can’t die before me, asshole,” Loki grunted.</p><p>“And <em> you </em> can’t die before <em> me, </em>Lo,” Thor retorted. “C’mere.”</p><p>There was a warm pressure against Thor’s head, the rough pads of Loki’s fingers touching the sensitive skin of his neck. Loki leaned in and pressed his lips to Thor’s, fleeting and soft and rough at the same time.</p><p>“We die together, then”, Loki murmured against his brother’s lips, tucking a strand of dirty blond hair behind Thor’s ear. He put his fingers on Thor’s cheek, kissing him all over again, his tongue searching for Thor’s.</p><p>“Together,” Thor nodded, pulling Loki closer to him and kissing him deeper.</p><p>Loki’s hand crawled down and started palming Thor through his hospital gown, his warmth bleeding all over Thor’s lower body.</p><p>“The fuck are you doing?” Thor hissed, but Loki shut him up with another kiss before pulling away, the hand previously sitting on Thor’s hip leaving an imprint of warmth in its wake. Moving at the end of the bed, Loki got on it and pushed Thor’s gown out of the way.</p><p>Thor’s breath stuttered, an exhale of shock and joy as he felt lips on his skin, going lower and lower until Loki’s tongue pressed against his slit.</p><p>“Loki!”</p><p>Loki let go of Thor’s cock with a wet sound and rested his forehead against his brother’s thigh. “I’m doing this for myself, not for you.”</p><p>His voice came off as calm and relaxed with undertones of mischief, face alight with mirth. </p><p>“Relax. It’s not like anyone cares,” Loki said and waved around the room, empty except for the two of them. Thor’s men were waiting outside, at the end of the corridor, and god, by now, they were definitely used to it. “<em>I </em> don’t care.”</p><p>Thor couldn’t even reply before his cock was engulfed by a hot mouth, Loki working his lips halfway down the length, slowly taking his brother’s cock deeper into his warmth.</p><p>Thor bucked his hips and bit his knuckles hard to stop himself from moaning, but it proved to be really difficult to do when his little brother was swallowing him inch by inch, slowly, his eyes closed in apparent bliss. The sharp noise of <em> want </em> was burning down his throat and was too big to hold back.</p><p>“Shit,” Thor growled, “you’re so enthusiastic today, Lo.”</p><p>No answer, no words—just touches, a sweep of waves crashing against the shore and building in intensity.</p><p>Thor’s moans filled the empty room with the pleasure Loki was giving him, open mouth puffing hot air against Thor’s length; he was scrambling to get more cock in his mouth, sucking it as if his life depended on it (and <em> maybe </em> it did).</p><p>Loki’s nails sank into Thor’s heated flesh, cock sliding all the way down his throat.</p><p>“Jesus Fuck—could’ve sworn you’d reached the fucking hilt already,” Thor panted as he gripped the sheets tighter and pleasure curled inside his lower belly. He made a strangled noise and started trembling above Loki, biting his lips and not even pretending to hold his moans back anymore.</p><p>Leaning back into his bed, Thor pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes and saw white.</p><p>He felt alive.</p><p>Loki sucked him dry eagerly, releasing him with a small pop. His chin was glistening with saliva and come, lips slick and red like a cherry—a mess of colours.</p><p>“Messy,” Thor managed to mumble through the white sky of his orgasm, pinpricks and needles under his skin. “But damn good blowjob, as usual.”</p><p>Loki shook his head as his sticky hands smeared patterns along the curves of his brother’s hips. “Not like you can expect any less from me.”</p><p>In the midst of soft laughter and grunts on Thor’s part, Loki proceeded to crawl back up on the bed to kiss him stupid.</p><p>If he didn’t know Thor that well, Loki would have thought that Thor was making light of a bad situation and was brushing it off like dust on his sleeve.</p><p>The thing was, though, that Loki knew his brother like the back of his hand. He knew the curve of his neck like nobody else did; knew the slight bumps of the scar that ran along Thor’s arm and wrist, why and how and when he got it.</p><p>He knew there was summer within Thor, summer blooming through his veins.</p><p>Thor chuckled.</p><p>A breath and a smile—it tickled Loki’s nose pleasantly, this firelight of joy.</p><p>Outside, the night started curling up in the air, pink setting rays of sun long forgotten in the dim evening blues.</p>
<hr/><p>The day Loki’s world turned upside down, it was raining. </p><p>“Sir, there’s a problem with the car,” the driver said, pulling the vehicle on the side of an empty road. “I’ll go check.”</p><p>Hairs ended up prickling upright on the nape of Loki’s neck when minutes passed and no noise was heard.</p><p>“Charles?” he called, wondering where his driver could be.</p><p>No answer.</p><p>“Charles, what’s wrong?”</p><p>Loki’s heart pounded in his chest with a blend of fear and anxiety as he eased out of his seat and out of the car. </p><p>Were they after him, now? Thor had been released from the hospital six months before this, so it could be a follow-up, but for Loki, this time.</p><p>They were so close—closer.</p><p>
  <em> God— </em>
</p><p>Something stabbed him—<em> someone </em> stabbed him with <em> something</em>.</p><p>Loki clutched his neck in pain, groaning and kicking the man behind him with his foot.</p><p>Suddenly, there was a rush of colours and sounds above, a chaos he couldn’t grasp—hands and feet and <em> pulling </em> and more noises. Full-blown pain pressing against his skin and muscles and bones, growing, growing and growing.</p><p>He panted and wiped the blood dripping from his brow. He tried to breathe, neck red with concentration and his skin burning like no tomorrow.</p><p>A second, and he was almost caught. Loki cursed himself: he was slow, too slow. </p><p>He fell, and the asphalt smelt like rain and fakes promises.</p><p>Someone kicked his head, and Loki saw stars, eyes slipping shut as everything got darker and silent.</p>
<hr/><p>When Loki came to, flat on his back on a chilly rough floor, he realised he couldn’t see: a blindfold was covering his eyes, and he could barely move since his arms were tied behind his back.</p><p>There was a ringing in his ears.</p><p>Where <em> the fuck </em> was he?</p><p>Fear was spreading through his veins at the speed of light. While he knew that doing business with his brother was risky, he never really thought he would end up like this, hostage to unknown faces: Thor always made sure Loki was safe and surrounded by his men at any time of the day.</p><p>He sunk back against the wall and took a deep breath.</p><p>A door, to his right, eventually opened and someone stepped into the room.</p><p>“I see you’re awake.”</p><p>The man grabbed a fistful of Loki’s hair and jerked his head back towards him. It made his scalp burn and his chest hurt.</p><p>“What do you want?” Loki asked aggressively. Blood was leaking quietly from his nose onto his trousers.</p><p>“I wanted to see what was so special about you, Loki. Rumors are that you’re your brother’s little bitch.”</p><p>Loki spat at him through his clenched teeth, mouth turning sour. </p><p>“Here you go,” he said. “That’s what’s special about me: I’m the worst bitch you’ll ever meet.”</p><p>“Is that how you treat your colleagues, Loki?”</p><p>“I’d hardly call you lot ‘colleagues,’ Red Skull,” Loki groaned as Red Skull came forward and grinned, laying his gun flat against Loki’s cheek. The solid, cool metal felt like imminent death, but Loki knew there would be more to this than met the eye; killing him was easy, whereas torture… torture was a world away.</p><p>He wished he hadn’t understood the sickening conclusion to all of this, but it was no use.</p><p>He <em> knew</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>There were flashes—blurry.</p><p>Painful.</p><p>Loki heard a sound. He moved, slightly, and closed his eyes again, exhausted.</p><p>“You’re using lube?” someone asked in the back.</p><p>There was a chuckle followed by a snort. “I know we’re not planning on keeping him, but it won’t hurt to have him nice and wet.”</p><p>Loki felt something cool being pushed against his hole, his long-lashed eyes flaring open. He trashed pathetically, resembling a dying fish.</p><p>The man plunged in Loki’s hole to the knuckles and pulled out, over and over again, fucking him with them.</p><p>He was pulled forward until his mouth was flush against another man’s crotch. Rough fingers ran through his hair and tugged him into position.</p>
<hr/><p>The rope started to cut into his flesh as he struggled.</p><p>Red flashed before Loki’s eyes. Everything was a patchwork blur of screams and pain, his red mouth a ring of dismay.</p><p>The stretch, the pull, the burn were terrible, an awful burn that Loki tried to wipe from his mind—tried to imagine as something other than a complete invasion of his body.</p><p>The man bent down to suck a little love bite on Loki’s neck, the bruise soon turning red and purple.</p><p>Loki felt so dirty at that, because it was Thor’s thing, to leave hickeys on his little brother.</p><p>It was <em> Thor’s.  </em></p><p>The rope twisted around his wrists before someone else shoved two searing fingers inside Loki’s mouth. The room was so cold and Loki could feel the cool tears running down his cheeks; he was shaking and crying, trashing his head and heaving sobs as the man before him replaced his fingers with his cock.</p><p>Another one didn’t even bother to prepare him and shoved his cock inside his ass, tearing Loki apart. Somehow, he hoped for unconsciousness to come to him so he could escape it all, but his body didn’t give him that relief, making him feel everything stronger instead.</p><p>The man pounded into him, his fingers wrapping around Loki’s throat to remind him he could squeeze and decide of Loki’s fate.</p><p>God—the cock in his mouth was too big, too thick. Loki couldn’t take it, gagging incessantly as he tried to scream and curse, but the more he fought, the harder the man thrust inside his mouth, ramming his throat with the blunt tip of his cock.</p><p>He was going to split open from the pain; there was no way he could take more of this, could he?</p><p>They subdued him and forced his ankles apart with a spreader bar, his ass in the air for everyone to take as they pleased.</p><p>“Let’s have some fun,” one of the men said.</p><p>Loki’s skin was beginning to bloom in multiple bruises, red and purple flowering all over his neck and chest. There were hand marks on his hips that attested to how firmly the men had held him while they pounded into his body.</p><p>“What a pretty bitch,” someone laughed. It echoed in the room, and Loki swallowed anxiety down his throat.</p><p>That same man came forward and licked Loki’s ear before whispering, “you’ll be good for me, won’t you?”</p><p>He jabbed something deep into Loki’s body and Loki fell forward with a grunt, head spinning. </p><p>The seams of his body were starting to rip apart.</p><p>When would it end?</p>
<hr/><p>Hands were holding his ass open, gripping him tightly. Loki knew it would cause bruises to bloom on his asscheeks in the shape of fingers—much like what Thor used to do to him in the dead of night, or even out in the open for everyone to see.</p><p>
  <em> Thor. </em>
</p><p>He couldn’t stop thinking about his brother and hated himself for it. His memories of his Thor, of his beloved brother, were being tainted by the horror he was living, and there was nothing Loki could do about it.</p><p>It burnt, inside. It felt like molten lava was leaking everywhere in his body as the man tore him open, thrusting into him at an unforgiving pace.</p><p>His captor fucked deeper into his body and licked his ear, whispering darkly, “your brother won’t save you, this time.”</p><p>Loki fell apart with a scream.</p>
<hr/><p>Sleep came that night, but Loki didn’t dream.</p><p>Everything felt out of touch. It was just minutes and hours stitched together through the cold and the dark, with just a few cracks here and there to let the light get in.</p><p>Loki didn’t have a single clue as to where he was detained. His mind felt foggy, his thoughts were a mess. He couldn’t think at all and it made him so angry.</p><p>He bit off a groan when he tried to move a little; he was aching everywhere from the previous day’s beating and rapes.</p><p><em> That’s how it works. That’s the job. That’s it. It’s okay, I’m fine, I’ll be okay, </em> he kept thinking to himself, tired out of his bones, dissociating. Thor would find him, wouldn’t he? And Loki would go back to his life and think nothing of what happened. He would bury everything deep inside his brain and forget.</p><p>A noise startled him.</p><p>Loki’s eyes opened. He blinked in confusion as brightness spilled from the door creaking open.</p><p>They crowded close to him and grabbed his hair and arms, squeezing more bruises into his skin, and suddenly he was naked, body spread on the floor and offered to them. The air was dry and tasting metallic when Loki licked his lips. </p><p>They raped him for hours, taking turns.</p><p>One by one, hands by hands, dry cocks forcing themselves inside him.</p><p>Loki wanted to scream, but nothing came out. He sobbed, at first hard and messy; and then everything went silent, hollow.</p><p>Tears were running down his cheeks with the effort not to retch.</p><p>Nothing felt like anything, and for a moment, Loki thought he had passed out from the pain or exhaustion, but it was none of that.</p><p>He was dissociating, which Loki was grateful for, for once in his life.</p>
<hr/><p>Later, when Loki tried to bite one of the men’s dick off, he snarled and punched him square in the face.</p><p>Loki’s ears rang briefly and he tasted blood.</p><p>“My brother,” he started, heaving and spitting out some blood, “I swear to fucking God, my brother is gonna kill you <em> all</em>.”</p><p>Julian let out a chuckle and slapped him before grabbing Loki’s chin and wedging his mouth open with his fingers.</p><p>“Your brother doesn’t give a fuck about you, sweetheart. Now, be a doll and suck my dick, and not metaphorically.”</p><p>His cock pushed into Loki’s mouth and nudged his throat. </p><p>Loki could only make a little choked noise, his entire body trembling. He gagged instantly as the taste hit him—it was so bitter, and so big.</p><p>Julian pulled out with a sucking noise and all that Loki could do was cough up bitterness. A few seconds later, the cock pushed in deeper, and Loki gagged again, the weight hot and blunt and choking him.</p><p>“I can’t wait to fuck you,” Julian said, forcing Loki to take all of his cock in his mouth. </p><p>When another man entered Loki, his blood slicked the way.</p>
<hr/><p>Rumlow took some sick pleasure in touching Loki’s open wounds just to watch him scream in pain. Even the slightest touches made Loki feel like he had swallowed broken glass.</p><p>He spit in his face, defied him, tried to keep his mind from falling apart while his body was crumbling down, pliant and spongy and blood-soaked.</p><p>One day, Red Skull came back with his hand full of death; Loki spied fresh blood underneath his fingernails.</p><p>“Are you still hoping your brother will come?” Red Skull asked him. “Because I took care of him.”</p><p>Something was thrown on the ground.</p><p>Loki looked at it—</p><p>A picture.</p><p>The rest was a blur. His throat felt too raw, and his head was going to explode from the pain eating up at his synapses.</p><p><em> No, no, no, </em> he thought, no, <em> it can’t be. Not Thor. Not him. Not my brother. </em></p><p>He didn’t have enough room in him to both cry and convulse with rage, and so he just screamed until he passed out.</p><p>Later, Red Skull came back and tortured him again, meticulous and precise.</p>
<hr/><p>“He was a good man, your brother,” he purred in Loki’s ears. The crumpled picture was still on the cold hard ground, and Loki couldn’t bring himself to look at it again.</p><p>He fought back tears and nausea every single time Red Skull forced him to look at it, breathless. </p><p>He kept thinking, <em> did he think of me when he died? Did he die thinking I was lost forever? </em></p><p>“Oh, he fought so hard, Loki. He was so good, but not good enough to beat my men and me,” Red Skull added, and a deep dread filled Loki, his bones, his veins.</p><p><em> Mom </em>, and his heart pounded painfully in his chest.</p><p>It teared him all up inside.</p><p>Loki shut his eyes painfully at the thought; huffed a lifeless laugh as he battled the monsters hemorrhaging from everywhere in his broken mind.</p><p>He couldn’t stop himself before Red Skull noticed, and Loki hated himself for it, hated himself for letting his mind crumble enough for his thoughts to be understood, transparent and crystal-clear.</p><p>“Oh, Frigga is in good hands, Loki,” his captor whispered, grinning that awful grin of his that Loki wanted to punch off his face.</p><p>Red Skull bared his teeth and laughed before jamming his hand hard into Loki’s throat, knocking the air out of him.</p><p>“You’ll never learn, it seems. Julian, your turn.”</p>
<hr/><p>Hours, and hours on end.</p><p>Again.</p><p>Loki was exhausted; so exhausted and pissed that he couldn’t—<em> wouldn’t </em>—open his mouth.</p><p>“Loki, <em> dearest</em>,” Julian laughed, “you need to eat. You need the energy.”</p><p>“Fuck you,” Loki snapped, pulling on the restraints locking him to his chair.</p><p>Julian stepped closer and lifted something to Loki’s mouth—water. Ice cold water.</p><p>It dripped all over Loki’s chin. A shiver ran down his spine, unwanted.</p><p>He tried to spit it out but Julian kept pouring the liquid in his mouth; it kept bumping against Loki’s teeth and tongue until he was forced to swallow it. It felt like acid was crawling quietly inside of him, destructive.</p><p>Julian pet his head with a smile before turning his back on him, addressing one of his men as he left.</p><p>“Make sure he eats and drinks.” A pause. “Use force if he resists, which he most likely will do.”</p><p>Dread filled Loki as one of the men moved forward with clear boxes filled with food in his arms.</p>
<hr/><p>It took—a long time.</p><p>Loki didn’t really remember anything, except that food was forced down his throat relentlessly for what felt like hours.</p><p>Then, everything was washed with ice cold water, again and again and <em>again</em> until Loki puked on the floor. The guards kicked him into his own mess, leaving him on the floor drenched and soiled.</p><p>Loki choked on an emotion he couldn’t name.</p><p>“Thor,” he called. “Please.”</p><p>His tongue felt so swollen.</p><p>“<em>Thor</em>.”</p><p>An exasperated sigh met his plea for help.</p><p>“Your brother gave up on you,” someone told him. Loki couldn’t identify the man in question—they had all become a blur in the past few days of his captivity. “He’s dead.”</p><p>Everything about him was dull, at that moment, in the late-afternoon (<em>morning? Evening? </em> Loki couldn’t tell) light of the room. </p><p>The man stepped forward until he was a foot away, near enough to touch, and he did, slowly, hesitantly. </p><p>“You’re a disgusting mess.”</p><p>“Really,” Loki answered, low and dull, bone-tired as he was.</p><p>The man took his elbow and forced Loki to get up, but Loki remained motionless.</p><p>“Is that what you want?” the man spat. He shook Loki’s arm and kicked him in the stomach, forcing more bile out of Loki’s mouth, before he was dragged on the floor instead, his chest slipping through his puke.</p><p>A few minutes later, the bile burnt its way up his throat as he collapsed on the floor of the “shower”.</p><p>All he could mutter was <em> Thor</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>“You wouldn’t believe how willing your little brother is, Odinson,” the man on the other hand of the video said. “Such a tight hole. Also great at licking the floor to clean up his mess.”</p><p>There was more footage of Loki, naked and beaten up, being raped by three men in a row.</p><p>More voices.</p><p>“His body literally begs for cock, but you would know, wouldn’t you? You’ve been fucking him for so long.”</p><p>Blood. And come.</p><p>“His bones are so fragile. He’s like a bird,” the man continued in the background. “He doesn’t look like it at first, but it’s so easy to break him.”</p><p>It rushed up and down, up and down in Thor’s throat; bile, and anger, and feeling helpless, his heart seemingly trying to explode out of his chest when he watched the video again, late at night, pushing himself further to find clues, to find anything that could possibly lead him to Loki.</p><p>“You’re so pretty when you cry,” the man fucking Loki said, loud and clear. A hand curled around Loki’s throat, squeezing. </p><p>Thor wanted to scream.</p><p>He had one huge weakness: his little brother. And seeing him in that state, at the hands of these horrible people made Thor desperate—desperate for Loki to be saved, but also, for revenge.</p><p>People around him said knowing and seeing what Loki went through wouldn’t change anything, but Thor begged to differ.</p><p>It would make him bitter. Scarier. </p><p>It would make him more ready to fight and more ready to tear Thanos to shreds for what he planned—for what he did to Loki through the hands of others.</p><p>All of yesterday, it poured, and all night long, too; but Loki was nowhere to be found, had been missing at dawn and sunset like a stab to Thor’s chest.</p><p>At dawn, in a brief golden moment of rest, Heimdall’s voice broke through night hours invading morning.</p><p>”We found him.”</p><p>Pins and needles; whiplash and speed.</p><p>Thor’s tears tasted like absence and marigolds. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are much appreciated!</p><p>You can find me on twitter @ spreadtheashes.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Part II — retrieving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Thor,” Loki rasped, voice low, his pupils dilating like ink spilling. “You’re alive.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ohoho Loki! Is! Being! Rescued! :D</p><p>Hope you enjoy this new chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A loud sound and lights flooded through the room. Loki looked away in pain.</p><p>“Get them all restrained!” Thor shouted from the door as his men flooded the room and took Loki’s kidnappers captive.</p><p>“Thor,” Loki rasped, voice low, his pupils dilating like ink spilling. “You’re alive.”</p><p>Words were so hard to get out because of the heavy drag of the drugs. The violence, on the other hand, was something Loki got used to early on as Odin brought Thor and him in for team meetings, which Loki ended up dubbing as <em> Execution Meetings</em>.</p><p>Thor leant in over his brother, tossing his gun to the side. It collided with the wall with an audible <em> clack </em> that didn’t even startle Loki. He removed his coat and quickly draped it over Loki’s naked, shivering body. Thor caught himself, wiped the mud off his cheek with the back of his hand. Loki could see that his brother was holding himself together with nerves and hope.</p><p>But then, <em> then </em> Loki realised—there was Thor, right here by his side. Loki had thought himself to be lost to death, burnt, broken, bruised, collapsing, but he was alive, right in front of his brother.</p><p>Loki reached out for him, with those disarticulated fingers of his, bones shaking with the dance of anxiety.</p><p>He was touching Thor. At last. Even if Loki was a host of broken bones, unable to do much more, he was touching him.</p><p>Goosebumps arose from Thor’s skin at the touch.</p><p>“Lo,” Thor answered, thick and broken. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Loki could feel how tight Thor’s throat was, how difficult it was for his brother to even look at him.</p><p>
  <em> I’m disgusting, aren’t I? </em>
</p><p>“It’s alright,” Loki said. It wasn’t. “It’s alright, brother.”</p><p>He wanted to say, <em> do you still love me? Do you still think me enough for you? Do you still believe in our relationship now that I’m ruined? </em></p><p>But none of that came out. Loki was too tired, too empty to even gather words in his mouth other than the ones he’d let out already. His chest and head felt too hot and too heavy, too broken for proper words and sentences.</p><p>He wanted to sleep, and to forget.</p><p>Thor reached out again, moving closer this time to cradle Loki in his arms.</p><p>“Don’t,” Loki whispered. “Please.”</p><p>The tears that he had been fighting became full-fledged tears but neither of them mentioned it, because Thor started crying too.</p><p>“Lo,” Thor murmured. His voice was rough, harsh around the edges. “I know what happened—”</p><p>Loki’s voice came out choked. "I don't want to talk about it," he said firmly. “Please. Let’s—let’s just get out of here.”</p><hr/><p>There were days where it was hard to care about ordinary things.</p><p>Today, after rescuing Loki, it was the case.</p><p>A long, heavy sigh escaped Thor’s lips. The snow made time harder to track and his thoughts bigger than they should be—</p><p>There was a red yolk of sun dropping to the curtains behind them, a kind reminder of sunset coming as it followed the beginning of a difficult evening.</p><p>All of this did, actually, teach Thor something: that he had failed Loki, somehow, and not that he had saved him.</p><p>Frost spread along the bumps of old scars upon his palms, and it gathered against the quiet yellow-pink of his flesh; gathered like dawn and love curling up in piles of leaves and bones.</p><p>Numb and exhausted, he threw another look at Loki’s unconscious frame. The dried, blackish blood on his face was still here, a reminder of Thor’s failure to protect his brother—to protect the man he loved the most.</p><p>There were a million conversations they should have, a million things to think about now that life had changed for the worse, but it would come later.</p><p>Later.</p><p>God, <em> god</em>. </p><p>He loved Loki. </p><p>He loved Loki and it <em> hurt </em> like it had never hurt before.</p><hr/><p>The pain in the back of his head was the first thing that hit him when he regained consciousness.</p><p>He had made it.</p><p>Loki had made it out <em> alive</em>.</p><p>Thor was sitting by his side, on Loki’s bed, eyes dark with worry and breathing so fast Loki could have sworn he had run miles and miles to get to him.</p><p>He couldn’t move. Everything hurt so much, and it was all so blurry, so disjoined.</p><p>For a long while, Loki couldn’t keep up with his brother’s heavy gaze. He knew he had gone pale, face tight with anxiety.</p><p>“Lo?”</p><p>Loki dragged a tired hand over his face, pressing the tears into his skin. The bones in his hand felt as fine as a bird's. </p><p>On the side, he saw—and felt—a bag of ice sitting by the curve of his hip. When Loki looked back up at Thor, his brother raised a finger and pointed at his own face.</p><p>“It’s all swollen,” Thor said quietly. “I was putting it on your face from time to time while you were asleep, just to, you know. To help out a little.”</p><p>Taking a deep breath, Loki put the ice back into position on his face and let out a whimper as the cold hit his left eye.</p><p>God, did those assholes disfigure him that badly? His face was one of his best assets, and now he was sitting in the hospital, bruised and purple everywhere. Just his luck.</p><p>“Brother,” Loki said, finally.</p><p>He listened to his own heartbeat for a while, picking out the words carefully in his head with eyebrows drawn together in concentration—and frustration. They both had matching tattoos on their back, seared into their skin, and somehow, Loki could feel the lion inked in red and black lines pulse against his muscles.</p><p>Loki paused and looked at Thor between his fingers. Thor’s eyes were so close that he could see the way the colour shifted in the changing light of the day, dim and grey instead of bright and blue.</p><p>Thor stared back before wrapping his long arms around Loki’s waist, pulling his brother close.</p><p>“I was so scared,” he murmured against Loki’s hair, muffled. He pressed a kiss here and left it to settle, to soak before he moved to kiss Loki fully on the lips—Loki who was choking on tears and blinking them away through the chunks of his fragile bones. “If you had died—fuck, Lo, I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself.”</p><p>“But you saved me,” Loki said in the crook of Thor’s neck.</p><p>He pulled Thor closer to him, impossibly closer as a way of saying, <em> don’t let me go. Don’t let us go. Let us be together through this. </em></p><hr/><p>They arrived at Frigga’s mansion, in the northern part of the country, early in the morning, just a few days after Loki had left the hospital. Thor had figured it would be safer for them to hide there and to let Brunhilde be in charge of what was going on at the main house. </p><p>When she met them at the main gate, Frigga threw herself at Loki.</p><p>”I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. My Loki. My dear son.”</p><p>Loki’s heart cracked a little at the sight of his mother crying. It was hard to talk past the lump in his throat and so, he held off for a while, just holding Frigga’s body in his arms and crying with her.</p><hr/><p>Loki couldn’t even recall where he should be setting his knife and fork in the following days, his brain still recovering from the shock of the fall, humiliation running through his raw, emerald veins.</p><p>He highly doubted Thor would still love him, this version of him—broken beyond repair, laced with nightmares and scars.</p><p>He sighed and ate a piece of steak, nausea gathering up in his throat as soon as his lips closed around his fork.</p><p>Thor was staring at him from his chair, bright blue flowers scentless in his hands.</p><p>Damn, his brother was beautiful, but Loki hated the worried look etched on his face. </p><p>“You realise,” Loki started, voice raspy, “that I’m never going to be the same, Thor?”</p><p>He rubbed the exhaustion out of the blue rings painted underneath his eyes; he didn’t even realise he was holding back his breath.</p><p>“I don’t expect you to be,” Thor replied quietly, putting the flowers aside on the small table that was rounding the corner. “It’s alright, Lo.”</p><p>Loki smothered the fabric of his sheet and closed his eyes, sighing. He felt so frustrated.</p><p>Thor watched him for a while before words poured out of his mouth.</p><p>“You went through the unimaginable. And, well. You can never be the same twice, anyway. You’re never the same after anything happens.”</p><p>“What a bunch of bullshit,” Loki laughed, empty. “Did mom teach you that?”</p><p>Thor added nothing more and just stared at the sky outside of the hospital window, brimming with stars and golden lights.</p><p>Loki wanted to ask, <em> what happens next? After anything? </em> But he swallowed back the question.</p><p>He was being unfair to Thor, but he didn’t have it in himself to act any other way. It was protection—preservation.</p><hr/><p>“How are you holding up?” Frigga asked, soft and quiet.</p><p>She was smiling, but the pain in her eyes was telling Thor another story. He allowed her the lie, the façade. That was all they had for now, and it was enough.</p><p>”As good as can be, given the situation.”</p><p>“Yes,” Frigga simply said. It was more than just the affirmation that Thor needed—it was the idea that they were suffering, but they were doing it together.</p><p>Before he could add anything, she rose from her chair and took a look at the setting sun, melting in shades of pink and red.</p><p>“Red Skull will pay for what he did.” She dusted her skirt and turned around, reaching out for Thor’s hand. “But for now, we rest. And we heal.”</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Part IV — healing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In the end, he had Thor, and for now, that was enough.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's time for some healing!</p><p>Hope you enjoy this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Loki woke up with a pounding headache.</p><p>His bedroom was the same as yesterday, and the same as many years before; nothing had changed.</p><p><em> Nothing has changed</em>, Loki repeated in his mind. He was safe. Anchored. </p><p>He eventually pushed himself up with a long sigh and went to the bathroom, looking at his reflection in the mirror with a frown of disgust.</p><p>In the dim light, the old kiss of bruises was still there, all over his neck and torso.</p><p>Loki put his head in his hands and took a deep breath to try and steady his mind, trying to push away the nightmares still playing in his head.</p><p>What he hated the most about them was how quiet they were. Loki didn’t really understand why, but the idea that these awful flashbacks were soundless made the trauma more present. Noise, on the other hand, would drown out everything else, or so he thought. That’s what he told his therapist when she asked about it.</p><p>
  <em> “My nightmares are filled with silence. Isn’t that ironic? When everything else is a battleground?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She stayed quiet for a little while, then crossed her legs. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Maybe your brain is protecting you. Silent can be deafening, but it’s also healing, perhaps, when things are muted.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Is that a bunch of bullshit you read from a self-help book?” Loki asked, amused. “I’m not sure there’s more meaning to it than me not wanting to remember traumatic noises.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She smiled. “Precisely.” </em>
</p><p>“Whatever,” Loki mumbled to himself at the memories.</p><p>His new ritual was to shower and bathe for hours on end, until the water turned cold and became bubbleless. It was his way of scrubbing his trauma away, of feeling clean for a moment. </p><p>First, he had to shower, to scrub his skin clean with a coffee-scented body scrub Thor knew he loved. When he was allowed to go home after his hospital stay, the very first thing Loki did was to spend close to two hours in the shower, scrapping at his skin every few minutes until it turned pink, then red.</p><p>The sheer need to be himself, to give his skin a chance at being new was swirling on repeat in his mind.</p><p>So, that’s what he did. He showered for an hour, scrubbing intently before getting out of the tub, rinsing it and starting on filling it.</p><p>While the water was running, Loki rummaged through the insane amount of bathbombs Thor bought him the week before—he had gone crazy at Loki’s favourite shop, stocking on Loki’s favourite products.</p><p>He got a bathbomb and put it in the water once the level was to his liking, watching it fizz away. Once done, Loki went inside and closed his eyes as the hot, burning water rippled sightly and embraced his tight muscles.</p><p>It wiped away the worry and ache pounding underneath his skin in an instant.</p><p>Loki sank deeper in the tub until the water licked his nose, thinking of his mother’s giant family estate, thinking of Thor, thinking of himself as someone else.</p><p>He watched his hands under the water, blurry, only pale, thick lines of flesh flashing out to him.</p><p>He was going to have to live with the trauma and its following memories for a long time—for most of his life, or his entire life.</p><p>The thought made him want to throw up.</p><hr/><p>Loki’s eyes were so flat and empty. He looked at himself in the mirror and sighed, unable to shake the image of a corpse standing in his place.</p><p>(Often, very often, Loki thought, believed, hoped. Often, very often, he imagined himself getting better, smiling, but he ended up suffering in silence.)</p><p>Sometimes, his heart jumped out of his chest. Sometimes, Loki allowed happiness to curl around his fingers and arms before reaching for his heart.</p><p>Sometimes, though. Sometimes <em> only</em>.</p><p>It would take a while to heal. Everything was still so fresh and tender, and grief was as painful as he thought it would be—there was no magic potion and no magic cure for pain, that he knew.</p><p>Loki took a drag of his cigarette, licking his lips to chase the taste of smoke, and threw his head back, hanging it in resignation.</p><p>In the end, he had Thor, and for now, that was enough. </p><hr/><p>A sudden tremor shook him, and he shivered violently. Thor only had enough time to grab Loki by the shoulders for his body to face the floor before his brother threw up the small portion of pasta he had had for dinner.</p><p>Loki looked at him in acknowledgment but his expression was blank.</p><p>“I’m fine,” he said. “I’m fine,” he repeated. “I don’t need you to babysit me.”</p><p>They both knew Loki was lying, but Loki found it easier to swallow back down the hurt and acid in his throat, while Thor allowed the fire to spread through the slightest breeze, passionate and bold and whole in the way he expressed himself.</p><p>“Lo,” Thor warned, frowning. </p><p>But Loki raised a hand as ice swirled in his veins, around his muscles, working his way toward protection.</p><p>Protection. Protecting himself. </p><p>That was all that mattered to him, now. All that he still had the strength to do anymore.</p><p>“Please leave.”</p><p>It hurt, seeing Thor’s face twisted like this—worn out, exhausted, aged.</p><p>What hurt more was to know that his brother still wanted him, despite all that happened. Loki couldn’t let Thor waste away with what Loki was, now, what he had become and what he would never be ever again. </p><p>He had to push Thor away. </p><p>“Brother,” Loki sighed, a mix of defeat and exasperation, “please go. I’m tired.” </p><p>Thor stared at him before shaking his head and giving Loki what he wanted—needed?—the door closing quietly behind him.</p><p>Loki was in love with Thor. That was a truth he had always known, that he knew would never go away.</p><p>But to know… to know that Thor still loved him, no matter what, was too much for now. </p><p>Loki’s knees gave out. Wasn’t the ice supposed to melt once he was rescued? Wasn’t the night supposed to end?</p><hr/><p>He went for a smoke, later that night. It was so cold, but Loki couldn’t care less. He needed his nicotine intake, needed to feel something pound against his temples without thinking too much.</p><p>But, of course—of course Thor didn’t want to let him be, and Loki hated himself for feeling so angry at his brother.</p><p>“Thor,” Loki sighed, resigned, his cigarette between his lips. “Please leave me alone.”</p><p>“You’ll get cold,” Thor said. He had one of his own sweaters curled up on his shoulders, thick and inviting. Loki remembered how soft it was.</p><p>Another sigh. </p><p>“It’s fine. It doesn’t bother me.”</p><p>Under the soles of his feet, the asphalt felt incoherent—crumbly. It was as if the cracks were being pushed apart in every possible direction.</p><p>“You hate the cold,” Thor grumbled back, arm stretched out with the sweater clenched between his fingers. “Just take it, Lo.”</p><p>Loki rolled his eyes, his milky skin a map of dark freckles exposed by the slouchy neckline of his t-shirt, cigarette cradled between his fingers, this time.</p><p>“Stop babysitting me, for fuck’s sake!” Loki ended up shouting before he scrubbed at his eyes—and he was scrubbing so damn hard that Thor wondered if he was trying to erase something from his eyes; something, <em> anything</em>, or the world in itself.</p><p>Thor leant against the wall behind him, throwing his arms up in defeat. “I’m sorry—Lo, fuck, listen, I’m just worried—”</p><p>Loki chuckled bitterly, and everything felt like a deeper blue, a raw silver, a clarity Loki couldn’t carry anymore.</p><p>“I know you’re worried,” he said in a small, wet voice, “but it’s too much. Everything is too much.”</p><p>He touched above his brow, where the stitches had slept until a week ago. The bruises had faded to yellow already, with hints of black and green showing up here and there on his face. </p><p>”You’re trying to fix me and that’s not—” and Loki had to take a breath. ”—That’s not how it works, Thor.”</p><p>”But I’m willing to try,” Thor said, almost desperate. ”I need you, Lo.”</p><p>Loki let out a sad smile. ”And <em> I </em> need <em> you</em>. But not like this.”</p><p>Smoke curled in the air from his cigarette while Thor’s fingers twitched around his fistful of sweater, holding it out to his brother.</p><p>“Please, Lo. You’ll get cold.”</p><p>Loki tried to ignore the flutter in his stomach. Thor was too kind for his own good, and it wouldn’t do, it couldn’t do…</p><p>He came closer to Thor, eventually, and leant into the same wall before closing his eyes. The mound of scar tissue was stretching across his back, but he didn’t say anything and rather took comfort in feeling its presence if it meant he was alive. He felt like he had aged for a dozen years since waking up.</p><p>They locked eyes until Loki’s end of cigarette became too heavy, ashes scattering on the front of his naked legs.</p><p>“Just take the goddamn sweater, Lo,” Thor said, shadows bruising deep beneath his eyes. “I don’t want you to get cold.”</p><p>All along, it had meant: <em> I care and I’m here. I love you. Please let me in. </em></p><p>He breathed.</p><p>The fists Loki was keeping on his lap uncurled, fingers seeing light again—flowers of sorts, unbent, unravelling and blossoming. They reached up and out to pull at the front of the sweater Thor offered, twisting and losing themselves in the rough, warm expanse of fabric.</p><p>Loki pulled it closer, sensed the swirls of warmth along the seams. He could still feel every inch of Thor’s bare hands holding it.</p><p>“Thank you,” Loki managed, voice slightly raspy. His own heart stopped, skidded.</p><p>It was just the moonlight hitting Thor’s hair, now, golden sandstorms drowned in blue.</p><hr/><p>It took months before Loki allowed more than hugs or kisses on the cheek.</p><p>As much as he wanted Thor in his entirety, as much as he missed his brother’s lips on his body, Loki couldn’t give him anything more than desperate eyes and broken sentences.</p><p>Thor never showed any anger and was always so patient Loki could have cried, both from frustration and relief.</p><p>And then, one day, things just clicked as they had before.</p><p>It was another one of Loki’s bad days—pain and anxiety wrecking him in half.</p><p>He didn’t talk at all, that day. Hid in his room. Refused to eat. Didn’t even shower or take a bath.</p><p>It was late afternoon when Thor decided to go in, heart squeezed with worry.</p><p>When he opened the door, Loki didn’t say anything and only looked at his brother from his bed with a lost stare, dripping with exhaustion and heartbreak—pure troubled gasoline all over his face.</p><p>Thor didn’t ask, didn’t pry. He moved closer, his hands offering callouses, offering struggles. He hugged Loki softly and kissed his cheek carefully, almost afraid of breaking him (and lord, lord did he know how much Loki hated that).</p><p>His hands brushed Loki’s soft, dark hair, and the necklace Thor gave him caught in the bangs. It made it look like stars had melted in Loki’s long curls, and Thor smiled tentatively at him, pouring his love and affection through it. </p><p>“They all keep asking for the Loki who’s gone, aren’t they? They keep hoping to see someone who’s long gone reappear,” Loki murmured.</p><p>Thor sighed. There was so little he could do. Birds were back as though nothing had happened; and perhaps it was comforting to some people, but the pain remained, as well as the nightmares and Loki’s new shape of a body.</p><p>“If they can’t accept that you’ve changed, it’s their problem,” Thor replied. He squeezed Loki’s hand. “You won’t drive me away.”</p><p>Everything came to an end, and every piece of marble was once beaten into shape to become something else. Life followed that path—people had to accept that things would never be the same, and that it was okay.</p><p>More than okay.</p><p>Loki nodded, leant into Thor’s side, and closed his eyes. The rhythm of Thor’s heartbeat and breathing became Loki’s entirely—he was ripples that Thor could barely contain. </p><p>“I love you,” Thor said. “I have never stopped.”</p><p>Loki shifted, his long hair framing his face in a curtain of darkness aflame with blue, silver shadows. He tentatively pulled his brother closer and closer until their chests were pressed tight together, no space left between them.</p><p>He needed it, needed it so much that it was starting to <em> hurt </em> to be even inches away from Thor.</p><p>“Baby,” Thor whispered, and Loki kissed him, soft and slow.</p><p>Fizzy liquid burst in his veins, adrenaline and dizzy daydreams coming up and down his blood with no end in sight.</p><p>“I love you,” Loki murmured as they parted, resting his forehead against Thor’s. He closed his eyes painfully. “I love you so much and I’m so scared. I’m so fucking scared, Thor.”</p><p>He sounded so heavy, so tired and sad, a light layer of granite hiding something dark and soft, something to burrow into, and Thor hugged him tighter. </p><p>“I’m here, baby,” Thor replied gently as he traced the tight lines of his brother’s face. Outside, the wind pulled back through the trees. “I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>Loki couldn’t help the way his chest heaved—couldn’t help the way he loved Thor so much sunlight and adoration that he could burst into galaxies and become dust at the mere possibility of spending forever with him.</p><p>“I don’t want to hold you back,” Loki sighed.</p><p>Thor arched an eyebrow. “Holding me back? You’re the reason I could take over Dad’s business so easily, Lo.”</p><p>“I—” and Loki paused, closed his eyes again. “I don’t know. I—Thor, really, it’s—”</p><p>“Lo,” Thor whispered softly, his forehead slowly coming to touch Loki’s. “The trauma you suffered will never take me away from you. If anything, it made me realise that I can’t be away from you, ever.”</p><p>Loki smiled quietly and held Thor’s hand up to his mouth, kissing his palm. “Always so fucking cheesy, Thor.”</p><p>The air smelt fresh and Loki could feel the pulse of thickening blood along the seam of Thor’s hand. The smell of cedarwood and roasted apples was most intense when the wind blew through Thor’s short hair.</p><p>It was comforting. </p><p>“I’m exhausted. I really am,” Loki mumbled against the expanse of veined flesh. Oh, if only he could bloom out of himself and become someone else entirely. “I’m definitely not the man you used to know.”</p><p>“You’re my Loki,” Thor said, and it was enough to make Loki cry.</p><p>He slowly reached up with his hand and cupped Loki’s face, letting his fingers brush over his jaw. He watched as Loki tilted his head, leaning into the caress.</p><p>“You’re my brother, my beloved, my better half. I don’t want or need anyone else.”</p><p>There was shuffling, and Loki felt Thor’s hand disappear somewhere. He cracked an eye open, curious, and was met with a sight he would never forget.</p><p>“Thor,” he warned, tears spilling from his eyes. “You absolute dumbass.” </p><p>“Dumbass who?” Thor grinned as he held up the ring in its little black, velvety box. “I got you a Cartier ring. 4.6 million. A steal.”</p><p>Loki’s words caught in his throat, and he let out another sob, but also laughed until his breath hitched. “Only 4.6? Mariah Carey got a 10 million one, Thor. I read it on <em> Entertainment Weekly </em>! I guess it’s adequate.”</p><p>Thor’s skin was warm against Loki’s, and Loki had to swallow the strain in his throat. </p><p>He pulled Thor closer and nuzzled his face in the crook of Thor’s neck, breathing him in.</p><p>In the loneliness of the night, each one of them was comforted by the other’s warmth. Slowly, Loki pushed death away to only feel the cold intake of breath curling in his ever growing lungs like a flower. </p><p>“Is that a yes? Or should I replace the ring with a 10 million dollar one?” Thor asked, his voice resonating</p><p>Loki felt laughter bubble in his chest, and for the first time in what felt like forever, peace washed over his body.</p><hr/><p>It was dark when Loki eventually woke up. The curtains in their bedroom were drawn and he was curled in bed, Thor hugging his back, his cold feet sliding from time to time on his ankles.</p><p>There was a sore ache in his bones, a quiet pain creeping up his spine, but Thor was here, right here against him, and it was more than enough.</p><p>Warmth blossomed in his belly.</p><p>Thor’s head perked up slightly, having felt Loki shift in his embrace, and he pressed a soft kiss to his temple, his hands sliding around his waist.</p><p>“We’re safe,” Thor said against Loki’s peachy skin, and that was all Loki needed to hear at that moment, safe between his brother’s arms.</p><p>They ended up dozing off together through the rays of the pink, early dawn kissing their cheeks, the sulfur of the wakening day never deterring them.</p><hr/><p>Later that day, Loki leant into the railing circling their balcony and sighed, taking in the sight of the setting sun. Brushstrokes of red and purple were maring the sky, soft and gentle, and it made Loki’s heart ache in the most pleasant way. </p><p>(The soft glinting of his wedding ring in the evening light wasn’t bad, either.)</p><p>He had found his peace, at last. Had sat in bed with Thor and had rested his hands on his lap, determined, focused.</p><p>”I’m ready for the future,” he had said, and Thor had smiled, hugging him tight.</p><p>Loki knew. He knew it would never really be over. But he also knew that the sun would always shine again after the moon went to sleep.</p><p>And so he hoped, and convinced himself he could do it, too.</p><p>He could heal. And he would.</p><p>“Osaka had the best sunset, though,” a voice said behind him.</p><p>Loki startled when he felt hands on his waist and lips on his neck, but quickly pushed his fears away as he realised it was Thor.</p><p>“Are you reading my mind?” Loki laughed. “I’ve been thinking of going back.”</p><p>“Think no more: I got us plane tickets for next Friday. Gotta be up early, though.”</p><p>There was a hint of sarcasm in Thor’s words, and Loki felt his insides churn—so many things were left unsaid, but Loki knew the answers could come in time, however much change was to happen.</p><p>Loki smiled at the horizon and pressed his hand on Thor’s, right above Loki’s heart.</p><p> </p><p>
  
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Epilogue — breathing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Epilogue, here we go &lt;3 thank you all for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Loki had to stifle a giggle when Thor pushed him on the hotel bed as he nearly fell flat on the floor in his haste of worshipping his husband—brother—<em>Loki.  </em></p><p>Honestly, how could he resist him? Loki was the most gorgeous sight to have graced his eyes. It was Thor’s duty to make him good about himself, especially now that they were married.</p><p>“Sorry,” Thor grinned sheepishly.</p><p>Loki caught him by the wrist, still laughing.</p><p>“Horny much?” Loki giggled again, and Thor’s large, capable hands came up to Loki’s neck so their lips could meet, so Loki could taste the sweetness of cake on his brother’s tongue and the bitterness of champagne coating his mouth.</p><p>Thor grabbed Loki’s thigh and pulled him, flipping them over, and coaxed Loki to straddle his lap in order to admire him closer and to touch him <em> everywhere</em>.</p><p>Loki was quiet for a moment, a hand on his brother’s cheek as he loomed above him in the soft orange light of their Osaka room; for a moment, Thor wondered if he did something wrong, if Loki regretted everything—</p><p>“I can hear you think from here, babe,” Loki laughed and rolled his eyes, faking exasperation. “I’m just checking you out. You sure do have a fine face.”</p><p>“I do have a great ass,” Thor retorted, and his sunny smile was enough to make Loki choke on nothing.</p><p>Thor was more than his brother; always had been. But now that they had rings on their fingers, everything felt even more… real. </p><p>At least in Loki’s eyes, but he realised that Thor did feel the same way; always had felt that way about him. And while Loki still had trouble wrapping his head around that, he thought he could get used to happiness happening in the most casual ways, now.</p><p>He stroked his hair absently, humming to himself, and smiled before leaning in and kissing Thor soundly once more.</p><p>“I swear you drive me crazy in your yukata,” Thor whispered against Loki’s lips, out of breath already, struggling to find the proper words in the midst of emotion and groundbreaking arousal. “Wanted to suck you off right in the onsen.”</p><p>Loki couldn’t help but squint at him, a grin threatening to take over his lips, and Thor chuckled, painting the most innocent expression on his face.</p><p>“What? It’s not my fault if my brother is <em> gorgeous! </em>I’ll sue mom for giving birth to an angel—”</p><p>Loki felt the familiar weight of Thor’s cock against his as he straddled him still, and fingers started rubbing circles on the small of his back. </p><p>“You’re so bad at this,” Loki chuckled, “I swear to god, please stop talking and just fuck me.”</p><p>“You don’t like cheesy lines thrown in bed before fucking?” and the asshole was smirking like no tomorrow. “I seem to remember you came really hard last time because I called you <em> gorgeous </em> and <em> doll </em> and <em> princess</em>.”</p><p>Loki arched an eyebrow and pinched Thor’s thigh.</p><p>“And? What about it?” he grumbled, fondly exasperated. He batted his eyelashes, nuzzling up to his brother’s ear. “Weren’t you the one coming all over my face when I called you <em> daddy—</em>”</p><p>“Don’t try your luck, baby.”</p><p>Thor’s flesh was warm enough for Loki to realise he threw the right words in, and the fact that Thor was staring at him like he had never seen Loki before told him everything he needed to know.</p><p>He couldn’t stop grinning.</p><p>Well, that was, until Thor kissed the noises falling from Loki’s lips with the desperation of a man who never knew touch. He grabbed Loki’s ass and grunted with impatience, kneading his cheeks.</p><p>“Will you shut up and let me worship you?”</p><p>Loki’s smile turned into a smirk yet again. “But, babe, come on, I never shut up, especially during sex—”</p><p>“Loki, for fuck’s sake, shut up,” Thor growled, leaning forward to kiss the tip of his nose. He pressed his forehead against Loki’s and grinned, and it was warmer than summer, brighter than sunshine—with a dash of exasperation that made Loki think with fondness,<em> I’m so glad I survived. </em></p><p>They stared at each other for a while, kissing from time to time until it turned into a hot, heavy make-out session, and Thor ended up running his thumb along the swell of Loki’s bottom lip where it was bruised and a little red, made crimson with his teeth.</p><p>It was soft, and gentle, but also passionate. Thor’s fingertips grazed Loki’s jaw and all that Loki could mumble was a quiet, “please.”</p><p>“What is it?” Thor smirked, reaching underneath his legs to cup Loki’s ass.</p><p>“Don’t be a tease,” Loki groaned. “You know what I want.”</p><p>“Do I, though?” Thor laughed, and <em> maybe </em> that Loki’s heart fluttered—maybe it did. Who knew.</p><p>Thor gave in, eventually, and didn’t waste time peeling Loki’s yukata off him, hands warm against his cold chest where a long copper scar runs along the skin. It was a cross across Loki’s heart, a reminder that life had happened—but also that Thor was here. </p><p>Soon enough they were naked, and Thor had Loki shamelessly moaning when introducing a third finger inside him.</p><p>“You make it sound like you never expected this,” Thor teased, his hand traveling over his hip, making Loki shiver before Thor dipped down and bit his lower lip. “A shame, Loki. A shame.”</p><p>Loki looked up at Thor and saw his pretty mouth curving up into a smile, eyes lighting</p><p>up; <em> God</em>, the warmth he found in there. </p><p>Thor leaned closer, brushing his lips to Loki’s ear, eventually licking it just how his brother liked it best.</p><p>“That’s cheating,” Loki mumbled low, a rumble in his chest—a cat, a panther, a very fitting imagery for him, really—but Thor was having none of it.</p><p>“Cheating is sending your brother dirty videos of yourself while said-brother is working very hard to treat you to your favourite restaurant,” Thor whispered, low and cajoling.</p><p>Loki rolled his eyes, fondly exasperated. “I did nothing of that sort.”</p><p>He felt his brother’s fingertips graze his jaw, causing goosebumps to arise on his skin from the touch he knew so well, and let out a smile. And then—then, Thor rolled his fingers, making Loki sob and stretching his rim. Loki’s cheeks were spread even further apart, his pink hole gaping and asking for more.</p><p>“Look at you,” Thor said in a sultry voice. “Desperate for cock.”</p><p>“Thor,” Loki sobbed. “Thor—”</p><p>Oh, Thor did take so much pleasure in edging his little brother.</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>“Fuck me,” Loki choked out, wretched, broken and on the verge of tears.</p><p>God, it felt good to let himself go, Loki thought. It felt right.</p><p>Thor kissed his chin, bit his lower lip before he lined himself up with Loki’s hole. He thrust slowly until he bottomed out and groaned, Loki holding onto his shoulders as if lost at sea—and fuck, fuck did Loki love it, the sensation of being stretched, filled, being made Thor’s and Thor’s only. </p><p>They had a few rounds of (wonderful) sex, but Loki’s personal favourite happened afterwards, when his brother pushed him against the large window panels of their room and fucked him against them as the sky turned a deep, prussian blue.</p><p>Pressing him against the cold expanse of glass, Thor said, into his neck, “you’re the most beautiful thing and I can’t wait to make you come.”</p><p>Words were stranded, and his hands were shaking, but Thor had a firm grip on Loki’s hips. His chest shoved forward as Loki’s hips pressed back, wanting more, always, always more.</p><p>“Thor,” he sobbed again, “please—”</p><p>“Patience,” Thor answered softly and chuckled behind him, biting at his neck, darkly possessive. “You’ll come when I’ve decided, and I still haven’t decided.”</p><p>Loki felt his body tense, his legs quiver. “I can’t—brother, please, it’s too much.”</p><p>Thor wrapped his arms tighter around him before he pounded harsh and deep inside of him.</p><p>“Of course you can.”</p><p>Thor’s voice always made Loki melt—as dark as gasoline, as dense as syrup, impossibly low, impossibly rough. Shivers crawled all over Loki’s back.</p><p>He was so wound up that he gasped, taking in as much cock as he could, until he felt like he was exploding, stretched impossibly wide—</p><p>In the glass panel, Thor’s reflection smiled back at him, and Loki came hard, screaming into the arm Thor had wrapped possessively around his chest. Loki lost himself in it, everything feeling out of it.</p><p>Everything was painless. It felt like a blessing.</p><p>When he opened his eyes, he sucked in another hard gasp at the sight he met.</p><p>Just Thor and him, smiling, out of breath, in love.</p><p>Loki arched his back a little, moaning at the feeling of come slipping out of him.</p><p>He was branded and that made him feel—</p><p>Alive.</p><p>More than ever.</p><p>“Mine,” Thor said, stars eating up the whole sky, their wedding rings blinking back at them when their hands ended up intertwined.</p><p>“Yours,” Loki sighed, voice laced with pleasure and adoration. </p><p>Later, Thor curled up against Loki in bed, face smushed in the crook of his brother’s neck, and his eyes were smiling like the sun. Thor adjusted the blanket around Loki’s shoulders, gentle. He didn’t need to, really—the blanket was fine as it was. But it was more about the gesture and the reassurance, the unspoken <em> I’m here </em>spelled between the lines.</p><p>“You look happy,” Thor murmured.</p><p>Loki hummed sleepily and turned around a little; he was grinning.</p><p>“You sure are very observant. Fine eyes, babe, fine eyes.”</p><p>“Shut up, Lo.”</p><p>“Love you too, brother.”</p>
<hr/><p>In the early hours of the day, face buried tightly in Thor’s neck, Loki woke up to the thumping of his own burning hands and wrists full of lightning and thunder.</p><p>He was safe; Thor was here.</p><p>It was enough.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are appreciated ♥</p><p>Find me on twitter @ spreadtheashes.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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